Articles

What Children Need

Larry Gets a Surprise

Larry met his two children in a tearful reunion at Sea-Tac airport, twenty-six days after his wife, Sylvia, split for New York with them and her co-worker Jack Kell. Larry was able to accomplish this only with the hard work of two lawyers – one in Seattle, and another in New York. Needless to say, this was an expensive accomplishment.

Larry tried to pick up his family life where he had left off. He got the kids back to school, spent extra time tutoring them, and got them back on track in their sports and social activities. The New York custody case was dismissed. That pretty put Larry and his Seattle attorney, Sid Strong, in good position to control the Seattle divorce proceedings.

A Guardian ad Litem (GAL), Mary Perkins, Ph.D., was appointed by the Judge. Sid knew of her reputation for fairness and thoroughness, and told Larry that they had lucked out. Dr. Perkins had already done over a hundred GAL reports for the court. Her Ph.D. was in social work, and she also managed her own mental health clinic.

Dr. Perkins immediately began reading the Court file, which was already several inches thick. She went about her work in a prompt and professional manner. She interviewed Larry, Sylvia, the children, Sylvia’s parents, and a number of friends and family. She even made an appointment to interview the family doctor. Larry was impressed.

Sylvia seemed to be somewhat in shock in New York, but eventually her local attorney got back into action. Papers and accusations flew back and forth between the attorneys. Larry was not unscathed. Sylvia said many things that Larry felt were false, but also made some points that Larry had to admit were true. There were several years in their marriage when Larry had been fully occupied with work and professional advancement. Twice he had come home from office functions intoxicated. The last few years of their marriage he had failed to put enough energy into his relationship with Sylvia, and one year he even forgot her birthday. Once he had spanked Josh for something he later learned Josh had not done.

Larry responded to calls from Sid and his paralegal, giving them the information they needed for affidavits and responses to Sylvia’s Court filings. As time went on, the Court proceedings took a back seat to Larry’s family life.

As the weeks went by, Sylvia flew out to Seattle for two visits with Tamara and Josh. When summer arrived, the kids flew to New York to spend a week with their Mom. The kids were a little unruly when they returned, and Larry told Sid that he thought Sylvia was pampering them to regain custody.

After the second visit, Larry was glad that the children were scheduled to be with him for the rest of the summer. He began to think of himself and his children as "the family," without Sylvia. Sylvia became a thorn in his side. Larry began to date discretely. He came to resent Sylvia’s letters, cards, and twice-a-week phone calls to the kids.

At one of the Court hearings the issue was child support. As Sid predicted, Larry was awarded a substantial amount of child support because of Sylvia’s income at her new job as an administrator in a large New York hospital. Not only did he get monthly current support, but also another amount for unpaid support in arrears. Larry couldn’t help feeling fully vindicated in Court. He knew that divorce in Washington State is "no fault". In fact, Sid had told him, Sylvia’s marital infidelity was irrelevant. However, Sylvia’s lack of judgment in jerking the children out of their home and school was relevant to the issue of her parenting skill, and Sid exploited this fact in Court.

Although Sylvia did not lose interest in the children, she lost her enthusiasm for the legal battle after being defeated repeatedly in the divorce proceedings. As the months went by, Larry began to fanaticize that Sylvia would slowly become insignificant to the kids, just like she was becoming insignificant to him. He could clearly see a new life for his little family, a life in which Sylvia faded to obscurity.

The crowning achievement in Court was the GAL’s report. Dr. Perkins concluded that Larry had always been very active in the care of the children; that he had provided at least half of the parenting over the years; that he was now clearly providing quality care for them; and that he should be awarded the primary care-taking duties. Sid said that the Judges follow the GAL’s recommendations in 90% of the cases. Larry was actually going to get permanent custody of his children.

Larry knew that Josh and Tamara did not share his hostility toward Sylvia. Intellectually, he knew that they could not be expected to understand his feelings of betrayal, anger and hurt. Still, emotionally, he felt sure that somehow, on some level, the children were on his side.

Larry was in for a surprise. One cool September night, after the bedtime story, as Tamara drifted to sleep, Larry bent down and tenderly kissed her goodnight, Tamara smiled sleepily and murmured, "Goodnight, Mommy." For a moment Larry stood frozen in the dark. He finished tucking Tamara into bed, silently went to his own bedroom, shut the door, and shed some tears.

Larry was no fool. But Tamara’s "goodnight" came as a surprise and total shock. His first reaction was sadness, then disbelief, then denial, and then anger. He went to bed in turmoil. The next morning, however, he was wondering how he could have been so blind. He realized that to the children, the whole issue of who was "right" between Larry and Sylvia was irrelevant. The kids had their own needs and feelings, which had nothing to do with who did whom wrong.

In his living room over a cup of coffee on a September sunrise, Larry concluded that who "won" in Court might have less of a positive impact on Josh and Tamara than whether they could develop a loving and secure relationship with both parents. That could be accomplished only if Larry and Sylvia could develop a new relationship between themselves that was open, flexible, and if not friendly, at least polite.

How can the two of us get along, thought Larry, when Sylvia is so unreasonable? It finally occurred to Larry that although he had no control over Sylvia’s conduct, he did have control over his own behavior. Since someone had to take the first step, it might as well be him.

So it was that Larry picked up the phone, called Sylvia at her New York condo, and – once she calmed down – began to tell her about the children’s day.