After years of mistreatment and coercive control, one spouse may have had enough. They may firmly believe that the other spouse is a narcissist and they want to divorce them as soon as possible.
Narcissism is a serious personality disorder that involves an obsession with how other people perceive the disordered individual and a desire to control that perception. Narcissists struggle with self-reflection and accountability. Image management is everything to them, and they also feel very strongly about winning in many cases. Those preparing to divorce a narcissist can expect a complicated process ahead and need to prepare themselves carefully.
Proper support and documentation are critical
The first thing people need to understand about divorcing a narcissist is that they are likely to face manipulation and combativeness at every turn. Therefore, they frequently need to secure legal support as early as possible when they decide to divorce.
Additionally, they may need to make concerted efforts to gather financial records and other critical documentation before ever discussing the matter with their spouse. Otherwise, they may find themselves facing an uphill battle as they attempt to gather the information that can help them secure a fair divorce outcome.
Prepare for the DARVO tactic
Narcissists tend to manipulate how other people view them and mistreat those who are closest to them. They may also rapidly devalue anyone who rejects or criticizes them in an attempt to preserve their self-image.
When facing accusations of misconduct in a divorce, narcissists are likely to use the DARVO tactic. DARVO is an acronym for “deny, accuse, reverse victim and offender.”
The narcissist claims that they have not engaged in any of the misconduct alleged by their spouse. They then accuse their spouse of misconduct or misrepresenting the situation. In doing so, they make themselves look like the victim and the other spouse look like the perpetrator of emotional abuse or coercive control.
DARVO tactics are often successful at manipulating the opinions of outside parties. Narcissists tend to be relatively charismatic. Those preparing to divorce narcissists may need to gather documentation supporting their claims of misconduct and communicate with their closest social connections ahead of time. They can reinforce their relationships so that DARVO tactics don’t work on those outside parties and so that they have emotional support as they proceed through the divorce.
Frequently, those divorcing narcissists may need to limit communication with their spouses to the best of their ability and may need counseling to help them heal from what they have experienced during the marriage, and that’s okay.
Understanding that divorcing a narcissist is different from a normal divorce can help people protect themselves. Those leaving a narcissist need legal support, as well as emotional and practical support from people they trust.